I killed Jolene.
Back from a beach holiday, I opened the fridge to find my sourdough starter had succumbed to black mould.
As I scraped my dearly departed (and very stinky) starter out of her Bonne Maman jam jar and into the compost (the irony was not lost on me), I thought about our time together and all the beautiful loaves that Jolene had mothered. I also returned to an idea that’d been fermenting for a while: making sourdough is a lot like writing. Both take time and dedication. Both rely on a blend of precision and intuition. For both, you’ve got to commit. And even still, there will be inevitable flops (RIP Jolene).
Like so many home bakers, I joined the sourdough brigade during my COVID hermitage. In domestic exile, I had an abundance of time and motivation (lockdown carbs cravings) to try to master this intimidating culinary art.
I used Chad Robertson’s recipe, from Tartine, a revered San Francisco bakery. Chad has revived sourdough...
The Lost Mom
Some of us, we live happily ever after as man and wife. Some of us live with a man, or a woman, or multiple men or women. Some of us live with a lifelong friend, or a family member. Some of us live with our fur critters. Some of us live in co-dependent relationships and think everything is ok.
Whatever the relationship is, we want to feel love. I myself, I based my worth on the love of others. I based my worth on my spouse of 16 years continuing to call me his wife. I based my worth on being the perfect mom, the mom who carefully attached the beautiful labels to all of their clothing, purchased them the best of the best, and washed their shoes so they didn’t go to school dirty. I based my worth on going above and beyond in my job to please anyone, and everyone, even when I was exhausted. I based my worth on everything, except what I have now learned is the most important to base my worth on. Myself.
In 2018 my life changed overnight, I was suddenly no...
Are you the person you hoped you would be? If not, don’t fret. Remember, life is a journey of self-empowerment and constantly learning and evolving to become that person you want to be. Constantly remind yourself of who you want to be. This will ensure your actions, decisions and thoughts are aligned to get you there. It can be messy, hard work, especially when you are in the darkest season of your life. You will need to be okay with yourself. Forgive yourself for decisions and choices you made consciously or unconsciously that derailed you from your vision of yourself, your truth.
When you’re not living your truth, there is always a moment when you look around and think to yourself. Who am I? Where am I? How the hell did I get here? This is not what I hoped for. I never envisioned my life like this. This is a pivotal moment! You need to grab this moment and grab onto that vision of who you thought you would be and who you want to be. Remind yourself you can still be...
Stop doing sh*t you hate.
Imagine how different you would feel if you actually looked forward to going to work in the morning. Imagine what it would be like if you were doing work from which you derived a sense of purpose and meaning? How different would you feel about your work? How different would you feel about your life?
Now, hold on to that feeling. Don’t lose it.
What does it feel like? Does it feel light? Or maybe exciting? When you picture yourself, are you happy? Do you feel satisfied? Do you feel full? Perhaps even energized? Wouldn’t you love to go through life feeling more of this?
I’m here to tell you that you absolutely can.
I sometimes wonder when work became just something we do to pay the bills at the expense of our own happiness and wellness. I wonder when we collectively accepted this as a society. I wonder why we continue to choose this for ourselves. When did we begin normalizing doing work we dislike,...
*content warning: self harm, suicide, mental illness*
“Omg I could die” or “kill me” when you get embarrassed
You have a bad day and you say that you’re “so depressed” or “wish you never had to wake up”
You see someone having mood swings and you joke that they are “so bipolar” or “manic” or even “crazy”
You’re girlfriend or boyfriend is acting out and you call them “psycho”
And your words have meaning. Meaning that you don’t understand.
Have you ever been so manic that you spent your entire families life savings on a weekend out?
Or drank a 26 a day, every day, even though you’re normally sober?
Have you ever been so manic that you’ve cheated on someone you love?
But over and over
Have you ever become so unreliable because of mania that for the rest of your life, everyone around you expects you to screw up?
Have you ever had the cops come...
It was 1990 something, and it wasn’t the first time I thought he had cheated but it was the first time that the other woman’s husband came to talk to me and confirm my suspicion. I was 26, young and very insecure…let me back track a few years to explain.
My Dad died in April and less than a year in January my Mom lost her battle with ovarian cancer. I was 22 at this time and to be honest I was in shock and lived in a fog for years after. I had been dating him since I was 17 and felt I needed to make it work as this is who my parents had known me to be with. He treated me terribly, there was so much violence, so much abuse physically, sexually, and mentally. I felt I couldn’t leave, I felt alone even though I had family and friends that would have supported me. I didn’t want to be a burden. My siblings were young, getting married starting families, same with my friends. I was also ashamed of our relationship and how he treated me, so I...
I never knew how much perseverance it took to be a mother until I became one. For the first five years of my son’s life, I learned to parent a child with speech sound disorder, anxiety, sensory aversions, and fine/oral motor delays.
Naively, I did not expect that becoming a mother to a tiny person would entail such significant obstacles. Additionally, not having the tools to understand him led me to feel great helplessness—the absolute worst feeling for any mother.
I would ask myself questions such as, why does my son not like food? Why does he hate sleeping alone? Why does he still drool at 3-years old? Why does he not pronounce his words correctly? Why does he pull tantrums when his pants or sweater ride-up?
Am I to blame for any of these difficulties? These pondering whys felt like such a burden on my soul because I could not find anyone who could genuinely understand me or my son’s daily struggles. I, who advocated for countless mothers and their...
Have you ever felt lost in the world of healthcare like you are going in circles.? A voice unheard? Drowning, suffocating, going round and round, not knowing where to start. That was me, that was my mother. I learned at a young age how to navigate the emergency. I wasn’t really paying attention when I was sick and young. I went to Mayo clinic when I was 16. My mother tried hard to diagnose me before she died. When she turned 45, she was diagnosed with cancer. It was my turn to flip it around and navigate the emergency room for her, the lab department, the hospice care, so many different departments. To learn the lingo, medical terminology. You don’t actually appreciate how much you learn until after—even planning a funeral at age 20. I look back now as a parent; it was education for me.
My kids were diagnosed with blood disorders, and at the same time, so was I. Let me tell you I had to learn how to navigate the world of healthcare like I can’t tell...