author blog mental health Mar 18, 2021

*content warning: self harm, suicide, mental illness*

“Omg I could die” or “kill me” when you get embarrassed

You have a bad day and you say that you’re “so depressed” or “wish you never had to wake up”

You see someone having mood swings and you joke that they are “so bipolar” or “manic” or even “crazy”

You’re girlfriend or boyfriend is acting out and you call them “psycho”

And your words have meaning. Meaning that you don’t understand.

Have you ever been so manic that you spent your entire families life savings on a weekend out?

Or drank a 26 a day, every day, even though you’re normally sober?

Have you ever been so manic that you’ve cheated on someone you love?

Not once

Not twice

But over and over

Have you ever become so unreliable because of mania that for the rest of your life, everyone around you expects you to screw up?

Have you ever had the cops come to your door to do a wellness check? Because the people around you start to worry?

Have you ever had to lose your rights to the hospital and doctors who deem you a threat to yourself?

Have you ever not trusted your own mind?

And have you ever woke up, felt like you were coming out of a bad dream, seeing your pile of mistakes for the first time?

Crashing into the darkest phase of your life.

Where you stay

You stay in bed

You stay asleep

You cry

You scream in pain

You bang your own head against the wall begging for your mind to stop

Have you ever craved the feeling of self harm because it’s the only thing that stops the pain in your mind, briefly? So you cut, stab, poke, prick, burn….just for a moment of relief

Have you ever wanted to kill yourself?

For real. But

Your blade too dull to cut deep enough

Your pills and booze not quite enough to kill you

Your plans foiled by a friend

Filled with anger that you failed. Filled with anger that they called 911. Filled with anger that you can’t even kill your self right.

Have you ever lived this existence?

Have you ever been shuffled from one doctor to the next.

No solution.

Trial and error.

Like an experiment.

Have you ever stated meds that make you puke?

Give you migraines

Exhaust you

Make you gain tons of weight

Make you dizzy

Stop your ability to smile

To laugh

To feel

Numb you

So stop saying

“You’re so depressed”

Stop saying

“Omg I’m having a panic attack”

Stop saying

“Go take a chill pill”

Stop joking

“That you’re so bipolar”

Stop calling your friends

“Psycho or crazy”

Because this is the reality for millions.

Stop pretending you are apart of a group that you are lucky not to be included in.

If you or someone you know is thinking about suicide, call the Canada Suicide Prevention Service at 1-833-456-4566 (24/7) or text 45645 (4 pm to 12 am ET). Kids Help PhoneCall 1-800-668-6868 (toll-free) or text CONNECT to 686868.Available 24 hours a day to Canadians aged 5 to 29 who want confidential and anonymous care from professional counsellors. Hope for Wellness Help LineCall 1-855-242-3310 (toll-free)Available to all Indigenous peoples across Canada who need immediate crisis intervention. Experienced and culturally sensitive help line counsellors can help if you want to talk or are distressed.

To contact a Canadian distress or crisis centre near you, please click here.

Canadian Mental Health Association

Koa Baker



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